Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
