I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
