I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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