he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
