you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
