She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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