im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
