haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
There r osticjed everywhere
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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