got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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