Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
