I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
