I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize