Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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