Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
