i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
