you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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