the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
