loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
