saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
