It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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