I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
