He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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