how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize