i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
