there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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