I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
