just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
