Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
