I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
