Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
