Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
