i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
