I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
