I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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