i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
