That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
