According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
