Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
