I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
my liver is dry heaving
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
