If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
