you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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