so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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