I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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