Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
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