You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
