Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
