I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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