mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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