I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
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