when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
