does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
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