I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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