last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I need moral support for this bender
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
