why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
