Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We just shotgunned beers for America
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
