So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
