So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
