i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
