Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize