No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
