Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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