I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
