A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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